I went for a 3 mile run/walk (most of it was walking) yesterday, and I got to thinking about a few things--here goes:
1. Blogging and Boundaries
Sometimes I struggle with determining what is an appropriate amount to share--both in the blog/internet world and in my personal life. I am pretty much an open book, but of course there are times when sharing is not helpful or needed. I am learning these boundaries--and I'm sure I will need to reevaluate when Freyja gets older.
I read a blog recently where the mother was trying to figure out what is ok to have on the Internet, because she doesn't want to embarrass her children when they are older. While I think that is defeinitely something of which to be aware, I also know that if a bully is going to tease a kid, they will find a way with or without the Internet. I will be mindful of what I choose to post, but I am not going to be paranoid. I was teased in middle school
before the Facebook era. I'm friends with my grandmas on Facebook and have nothing to be ashamed of, so I know that I can use the same discretion when posting about Freyja. I may have some silly pictures of her with her face covered in avocado, but if some kid teases her for that, they are reallllly stretching. I think Freyja will have thick enough skin to handle that, if she is anything like her parents.
2. "Mom friends"
Right now it's been nice having other "mom friends" with children around Freyja's age, and I enjoy hearing what things they are doing. Since Freyja isn't able to speak up and nothing can embarrass her yet, I am not currently worried about protecting her feelings.
When I went for walks with other moms on maternity leave, I mentioned that I knew that all kids have different interests and strengths, and it certainly wasn't a competition. Most of all, I like hearing about what other kids are doing because:
a) if the child is doing something similar to Freyja, it helps me feel normal (like when I can't get any cleaning done because Freyja is crawling from one thing to another and putting any little thing she finds on the floor in her mouth).
b) if the child is doing something different, I know what things might be coming and can "prepare" (not that you can ever really prepare!). For example, we thought about what needed baby proofing before Freyja could crawl.
When I was in high school and college, I would get uncomfortable when I would hear my mom bragging about me--like any normal mother--especially in regards to grades. Once in college I told her I didn't want to share my grades with her, and when she kept asking I told her I got Fs. She didn't believe me, but that's besides the point. It made me slightly uncomfortable with my educational "successes" being praised, when for some people they worked just as hard--if not harder than me--at schoolwork and didn't get the same grades I did. She didn't go out of her way to brag, she just was a normal, proud mother; I just didn't feel that she needed to share my "success" with others. Other kids asked me my grades, and I shied away from answering this. I worked just as hard at school as I did in the sports I played, but never had the same results. School was important to me and I wanted to do well, but I didn't want any recognition like sports players get at an assembly. Which leads into my next topic...
3. Success
Growing up I was never the fastest, nor was I the smartest--and I was ok with that. I felt comfortable. I knew that if I studied, I would pass the test and likely get an A or B in the class. I put in effort, and my efforts were rewarded by societal standards.
In track/field and cross country running and skiing, I knew I wouldn't be fast but I would finish the race. Would it have been nice to finish in the middle of the pack at least? Sure. But when the timid girl next to me looked unneasy and said she was worried about being last, I could put her at ease by assuring her that I would likely be last and that it was ok. I can't count the number of girls who I talked to who were so afraid of failing. I worked hard--I didn't
try to be last, or not give it my all--but I was ok knowing that my best was just not very fast.
I have a bone to pick with whoever coined the phrase if you try hard enough, you will succeed. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case...and
that is okay. Effort, intention, and motivation are more important to me than success.
No matter how hard I try at certain things, I will
not always succeed according to society's definition of success. While I am ok with this, I have met many people that have had a hard time with this. For example, the girls I mentioned above who were scared to finish last. According to the concept mentioned above, finishing last would mean they didn't try hard enough and thus didn't succeed.
I loved sports growing up, but I had a hard time with the coaches who lived by this motto. They truly believed that the "slow ones" were not working as hard. I didn't want the coaches to be easy on me, but rather meet me where I was at and know when I
was pushing myself even if the time I got might not have looked like it.
An example from the NFL is the well known Randy Moss. He was fast, but admitted that he didn't have to work too hard. When he did put in effort, it showed...but his effort was inconsistent. He ended up being a detriment to each team he played for because he wasn't reliable.
I may not have been fast, but I was consistent. I showed up to each practice and game or meet. I worked hard and treated my teammates with respect. To many, I would not be considered a success in any sport in which I participated. This is because many people think that success is objective and quantifiable where effort is subjective. But I beg to differ, and thankfully I surrounded myself with friends and family who knew that I always worked hard.
If you had watched me back in high school running the race--seen my eyes, heard me gasping for breaths and could count my heartbeats--that you would have seen that my effort was equal to some of the fastest runners. I believe that I was a success, just by a different definition.
